He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.