No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
