u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived