So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
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That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
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Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.