she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.