I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i believe in u and ur pee
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
