I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
