She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
