The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
