Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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