Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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