how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
