they need to just BURY HIM!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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