im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Who died my cat blue again?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
