I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
