someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
