ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
