i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
