matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
