i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
