you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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