I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
