i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
