the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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