I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we're making bets on your personal life
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
