You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
