Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
