so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
