i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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