A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Let's get the cat blown out
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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