I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
