I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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