The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
