i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
