We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
