he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
