I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
