Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
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Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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