there's paper in my vomit.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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