Don't make out with my wife yet
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Two words: nipple clamps
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