i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
