my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
