Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
