My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
