I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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