Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
