They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
