From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
