I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
