you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
