her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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