If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
