I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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