I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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