1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
