omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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