Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
