cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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