Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
