I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
