Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
