Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
