I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
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I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
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Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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