btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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