You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
